Worthy to Keep Rowing

I am overwhelmed with the amount of people out there that have suffered like I have. I navigate through the blogs and I want to stay awhile and listen and help. Although I wonder how I can help, when I can’t even help myself. I know that I don’t have time for this, yet I feel drawn to this new family that surrounds me.

I find myself living life out of breath. I can’t let go of anything, (kids have to be fed, have to work, have to pay the bills) yet I am so tired. I try to do nice things for myself. I want to relax and let go of the stress. But the few minutes that I have for me I feel like I am rushed. It is just one more job for me to stuff into my already overwhelming day. I am a homeschooling mom of two boys, I have a daycare at my house. I do all the house work, the bills, the groceries, my business stuff and then I still have to be a sane person when my husband comes home.

Why do I have to work so hard? A friend of mine in her blog said that we try to be successful because we want to feel worthy. Maybe she touched on something here. I have always been a people pleaser. I don’t want people to be mad at me. So I live a life of never rocking the boat. When my husband stomps around the house in anger I just stay out of his way. Part of this is survival, for I don’t want him to turn his anger on me. Part of it is that I don’t want to speak up for myself because in his eyes I have become unworthy.

I know that I am loved by God and that He doesn’t make mistakes. I know that He made me exactly as I should be, and yes I know Jeremiah 29:11 God has a plan for my life to give me a hope and a future. That knowledge is sure. I can be me with God and a few friends. The rest I am scared to show the real me. Me the failure, the one who is weak and doesn’t feel worthy. I would rather crawl into a ball and stare at the wall than face the world. So I wear my smile mask and I work until my fingers are weary. I want to be worthy, not of God (for I am), not of my few friends (for I am), not for my kids (I definitely am), not even for my husband (for I’ll never be good enough for him) But for ME!

I want to stare failure in the face and laugh. I want to scream, “I have the right to fail. I relish the fact that I am a failure. Except me as is! Take it or leave it.” If God can take failures and use them to change peoples lives, can’t he use me. I want to make a difference. But I feel that no body cares. I work so hard and no body appreciates me. What do I get? I still have to make dinner and clean the dishes, cause if I don’t I don’t eat.

I don’t mean to complain, I am just tired. I have been everything to everyone and nobody has been anything to me. I want someone to love me. I want to matter. I want someone to take care of me for a change. Even still I will get up and go do the dishes and go make popcorn for our Saturday night TV time. I will smile and pretend that I am not hollow inside. I will not complain, for fear of my husband’s yelling. I will be the strong one and keep rowing the boat as smoothly as I can. I know that I am not alone in my journey. God is with me and he is stronger than anything I can face. I just have to keep rowing.

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5 thoughts on “Worthy to Keep Rowing

  1. Your worth was set the day you were born, your royalty sealed, eternity purchased, and His yoke supplied. Come apart and rest a while or else come apart is a saying I like to remember. I could be wrong, but I believe it is your heart and burdens that are so heavy you feel as if you are being pulled into a bay of quick sand, alone, and before your time. You feel like there is no happy ending in sight and worry you will not be able to carry on. Stop rowing, find your peace and shelter, break free from the shakles of abuse! Allow your soul’s cries to be heard! Reach out for help and support! Allow your Savior to stand and proclaim “Peace Be Still!!” You are a beautiful light glimmering, tested by the wind, yet you continue to flicker and shine. And as you break free from the storm, your light will gain strength and others in desperate need for light will see yours and be saved from utter darkness. He has plans for you! They do not include abuse or fear, for He is a God of Love. I sit by in overwhelming joy and anticipation as you break free from your cacoon, your darkness, your bondage, and stretch your wings and fly! How beautiful and miraculous that day is going to be! I hope and pray it is soon!! No more rowing for you! “For He shall give his angels charge over you…”

  2. I don’t know why I was led to your blog. I’m not religious. I’m usually highly offended by such. Yet, today, I posted a difficult post and a few strangers have landed on my doorstep (blogstep?) that I don’t want to question why. Anyway, I ended up here. I quickly scrolled through your posts and saw scripture and things than I avoid. But I landed on this posted and I stayed and saw that you were human and I liked that. So I just want to say, thanks.

    • It’s ok if you think I am crazy. I am human, yes. The thing about being a human is that we are all different. That is the cool thing. I have my beliefs and you have yours. Yours are monumental to you as mine give meaning to my life. So thanks for letting me in. If you disagree with me that is fine. I love that you are different. Just believe in what you believe in with your whole heart and be happy. Sorry that you are facing a tough time. Those things happen, yuck! But try to smile knowing that you aren’t alone. Tomorrow might be better, if not you can always share your sorrows with others…which will help them in some way. Either way you’ve had a good day.

      • 🙂 Thanks. Hope I didn’t offend. It’s actually a compliment that I’m opening doors to those I wouldn’t have before. Who in the heck knows what it means? Tolerance, maybe? Anyway, I’m glad I discovered your blog. You’ve got a lot to share you and do it in a pretty cool way!

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