I am overwhelmed with the amount of people out there that have suffered like I have. I navigate through the blogs and I want to stay awhile and listen and help. Although I wonder how I can help, when I can’t even help myself. I know that I don’t have time for this, yet I feel drawn to this new family that surrounds me.
I find myself living life out of breath. I can’t let go of anything, (kids have to be fed, have to work, have to pay the bills) yet I am so tired. I try to do nice things for myself. I want to relax and let go of the stress. But the few minutes that I have for me I feel like I am rushed. It is just one more job for me to stuff into my already overwhelming day. I am a homeschooling mom of two boys, I have a daycare at my house. I do all the house work, the bills, the groceries, my business stuff and then I still have to be a sane person when my husband comes home.
Why do I have to work so hard? A friend of mine in her blog said that we try to be successful because we want to feel worthy. Maybe she touched on something here. I have always been a people pleaser. I don’t want people to be mad at me. So I live a life of never rocking the boat. When my husband stomps around the house in anger I just stay out of his way. Part of this is survival, for I don’t want him to turn his anger on me. Part of it is that I don’t want to speak up for myself because in his eyes I have become unworthy.
I know that I am loved by God and that He doesn’t make mistakes. I know that He made me exactly as I should be, and yes I know Jeremiah 29:11 God has a plan for my life to give me a hope and a future. That knowledge is sure. I can be me with God and a few friends. The rest I am scared to show the real me. Me the failure, the one who is weak and doesn’t feel worthy. I would rather crawl into a ball and stare at the wall than face the world. So I wear my smile mask and I work until my fingers are weary. I want to be worthy, not of God (for I am), not of my few friends (for I am), not for my kids (I definitely am), not even for my husband (for I’ll never be good enough for him) But for ME!
I want to stare failure in the face and laugh. I want to scream, “I have the right to fail. I relish the fact that I am a failure. Except me as is! Take it or leave it.” If God can take failures and use them to change peoples lives, can’t he use me. I want to make a difference. But I feel that no body cares. I work so hard and no body appreciates me. What do I get? I still have to make dinner and clean the dishes, cause if I don’t I don’t eat.
I don’t mean to complain, I am just tired. I have been everything to everyone and nobody has been anything to me. I want someone to love me. I want to matter. I want someone to take care of me for a change. Even still I will get up and go do the dishes and go make popcorn for our Saturday night TV time. I will smile and pretend that I am not hollow inside. I will not complain, for fear of my husband’s yelling. I will be the strong one and keep rowing the boat as smoothly as I can. I know that I am not alone in my journey. God is with me and he is stronger than anything I can face. I just have to keep rowing.