Today is my birthday! Happy Birthday me.
Yet, I wait in anticipation for something to blow, it always does. Why do emotions run hi on a day that is supposed to be a celebration of me?
I have already had my boys fighting. I narrowly escaped a family ordeal, by me giving up and giving in. I had to let my brother win in this situation, instead of my kids. Why did it have to happen on my birthday, not to mention that he never said Happy Birthday to me, just, “give me what I want.”
Now my family is playing computer games and shooting games on the Xbox. They know that I disapprove, yet they are still doing it. Still I wait for something to happen. These are not it. I know that there is always something to set Charlie off and he then gets angry and stomps off.
I nearly missed it when he picked up my book that I am reading. I am reading Captivating, by Stasi Eldredge. It was recommended by Early Morning Manna here on WP, so I picked it up at the library on Friday. Great book. Charlie says that it depresses him that I am reading a book like this. “Did you look at the back?” he asks.
“Well, yeah. It is a great book. It talks about how important women are and how precious we are in the eyes of the Lord.”
“No, the back says that women grow up and “the heart of a woman gets pushes aside, wounded buried. She finds no romance except in novels , no adventure except on television and she doubts very much that she will ever be the Beauty in any tale.”
His light heartedness, turns to disapproval. I can see it in his eyes. Why can’t he be sad for me, if I need to read stuff like this? Why can’t he pull me into his arms and say, “what can I do to make you feel more special?” Or why can’t he just let me choose to read what ever I want to read without disapproval?
Then I say, “I’m 43 today. You turned 44 a month ago. So what will this new year bring?” Shrug.
So I ask, “What things do you want to see happen in our new year?”
“Just to wake up and make it through each day. I don’t dream. What is the use. It never changes anything.” Ok Scrooge.
“So do you want to listen to my dreams then?”
He replied sarcastically, “Oh so you didn’t even really care about what I had to say, you just wanted to tell me your ideas.”
“Well I wanted to have a conversation, to dream a little bit about our future together, how to make things more sunny and just, well better. Conversation usually is a give and take. You give your ideas and then I give mine.”
“Sure then, what do you want to change.” He doesn’t really look like he wants to hear what I have to say.”
“Well I just want to spend more quality time with the family, I want us to eat meals together, to go on picnics, not to spend money, just time. I want to read the bible together as a family each night before bed. I want our priorities to be in the right place, so that our family comes first, others second.”
“Ok” he says.
“Ok,” I respond. “That’s it.”
“Sure, it is doable.”
Well so much for a loving conversation and planning goals for our future. I am destined to always feel alone. Poor me.
Oh well, at least the bomb hasn’t dropped yet. So I’ll keep smiling
No matter what I continue on…waiting for the Big One as Red used to say on Sanford and Sons. We’ll see if it comes