These Words That I Write

Wallowing in self pity about the lack of interest from book publishers, over my manuscripts, I drove down the road wiping the tears from my eyes. Why didn’t anyone care? God you gave me these words, I am sure of it. I never was a writer before, and now I have written 5 Christian books on abuse. What now? Did you just put me through all this work only for me?

Quick recap of how I got here… Through the worst season of abuse I started writing a Christian fiction. Charlie asked to read it. Due to the content I couldn’t let him read it. It had many personal stories in it and I knew that he would be mad that I was writing about them. So I prayed about it.

That night I had the most vivid dream I have ever had. Upon waking I quickly started writing it down. Soon there after I had my second and third book. Both of which he could read. He picked the first one up, read a bit and was done. Seems it was all about control. He just wanted to read my stuff just because I was keeping it from him.

I tried a publisher. First time out they said that they loved it and were very optimistic about it. Almost a year later though, they finally told me that they had decided to not publish it, and wished me luck. I was devastated. Through my pain I wrote a 12 Step book for abused people (which I’ve started putting on here). I summited that to the same company (all the while trying other companies for the other ones).

They immediately, again were very interested. This time 6 months in they told me that they were too busy to take on a project this big. What ever that means? At the end of the note they wrote, “Have you ever considered writing an autobiography?”

So I wrote. Summiting this one I was pretty confident. I didn’t hear something for three months. I wrote a quick note, just checking in. The editor wrote me back and said that the man who had been working with me wasn’t working there any more. She promised that she’d look into it.

Three months later she writes me to let me know that they are interested, (again) and that hopefully they will have good news for me soon. I wait.

Next thing I hear, last week, is that the company may be shutting down or merging with another company 3,000 miles away. They said they were going to vote on it in the middle of June. She assured me that she’d let me know how it went. So here I am waiting some more.

I still am pursuing other publishing companies for all 5 books and have started creating one for self publishing in, so we will see what happens.

Thus my frustration point….My fingers being manual windshield wipers in the storm of the moment. I turn on the radio to KLOVE Christian radio and hear this song. It says exactly what I needed to hear, including not to be afraid and that I will go on to do great things.

I immediately looked it up on youtube when I came home. I found this video and started watching it, crying again. One of the last pictures on the video shows a bunch of words. In the middle, clearly the words spoke out to me. The camera stays on these words for awhile too. Publish Tremendous Story…. that is what it says.

I scream, “Lord I am trying! What more do you want me to do?”

I am still waiting for His voice.


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