I Want a Silent Night

I am exhausted. Kids are fighting. I can’t keep up with Christmas preparations. There is the wash and the pile of clean clothes that are falling over on the dirty floor. There is a mound of clean socks waiting for their matches. The silverware keeps getting washed for each new person that can’t find a clean one. The bathroom is smelly. I haven’t gotten out my Christmas cards. I went to the vet today, tomorrow a party, the next day the dentist.

When do I have time to relax and feel what I am supposed to…the magic of the season? I know that Christmas is mostly for kids, but I am feeling selfish. When do I get the peace and good will?

I heard this song for the first time and knew that it was meant for me. I need a silent night tonight. I am sitting here beside the tree that I didn’t have time to go pick out. Busy at the vets, remember? It is not trimmed or lit, but it does smell wonderful. I know that I will be tired tomorrow. My husband is asleep. He has to get up in a couple of hours to go to work. I feel bad that he gets so little sleep. No wonder he is grumpy a lot. I will be tired too. Always am. People marvel as to how I hold things together. I just do what has to get done. That is it. And hide my exhaustion.

Sometimes I wish I could run away. Sometimes I wish I could do something bad (not really bad, but just not the normal…oh she is so WONDERFUL…I want to have permission to fail and be a mess). Sometimes I smile when I think about commiting myself to a psyche hospital. I want someone to bring me my food and take care of me for a change.

Tomorrow I chase 7 children. I smile and feed and wipe and teach. I laugh and try to breathe. I do the wash, the dishes, the bills, trim the tree, try to do a few things” on the can never do list” and hope that I catch onto the Christmas spirit.

I don’t think I have the energy to do that. So for now I am enjoying my quiet house. I am warm. It is dark and peaceful. No one is fighting, or telling me what to do. This is what I need. Now if I could only get more sleep while I am at it.

Hopefully I can make it through another crazy day and then sit next to a lit tree tomorrow night.

Good night my friends! Have a peaceful silent night. Meghan

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4 thoughts on “I Want a Silent Night

  1. I hope this is not your current reality (of being abused). If you are currently being abused you need to get out, get help, go to a shelter, take the kids when he’s not there. Do not hesitate. If you love yourself and your kids, get out. You are loved and worthy. You cannot defend staying in a relationship which is abusive, this is not marriage. your victim archetype is overwhelming you. Protect your inner child and run. Delusion is the danger.Trust your gut.

    • Thank you for your care and concern. He has gotten tons better then he was. He has never been physically abusive, only emotional. I know that that can be just as bad, sometimes worse because you can hide it. I have learned to walk away and stick up for myself. So things are remarkably better, thanks. I still have down days where it is harder to stick up for my boundaries. It is tough being the only one to push for change. I do know that I can and will leave anytime things get bad. With that knowledge I have power. He does not control me, and so in this I have decided to stay for now. Meghan

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