Whether it has been the chaotic change in my life and schedule, or that I just needed to move on, I have done just that. I closed the book on my season of abuse and I don’t look back. I guess busyness can be a good thing. Now I just struggle to get through the daily challenges of work, feeding my family, doing the bills and the wash and the homework. It is an exhausting responsibility (the new season in my life).
My three books are neatly hidden away. Sigh. I feel that there is no purpose for them except that they helped me through my darkest days. I know that God cares about my feelings and he let me heal though what I like to do, write. I have to catch myself from putting myself down. I feel that the reason I never got them published was because they weren’t any good anyway. I had many people tell me they were well written, yet I have a problem of only remembering the negative comments. The last woman I gave my personal story to told me that I needed to go to a counselor because I needed help. She told me to leave my husband and that my book only showed that I was trying to manipulate him to change. Maybe she is right.
My Mom says that God never wanted me to publish books on abuse because if Charlie knew he’d leave me. Maybe somewhere down the road I will have time to write a normal book and then God will help me publish that one. I am proud that I accomplished three books, even though I can’t do anything with them.
I am busy living my present right now, and that is all I can handle.