My Story

You do not know me. I’d melt into a sea of faces, nothing special I’m afraid. I am normal by today’s standards; a hard working, busy mom who hides her dysfunctions successfully. I’ve acquired the doting husband, the two children and the white picket fence. The American dream is mine, according to many. Yet they do not know the secrets I hold.

I am a professional peacemaker, a master illusionist and an accomplished dancer in the tangled steps of marriage to an emotional abuser. I am frequently on the edge of disaster, exhausted and don’t know how I can face another day. I have had to dismiss sexual abuse as proof of devotion, physical venting as a normal means of letting anger out and emotional put downs as protection from pride.

For years I thought abuse happened to the underprivileged, certainly not to me. I was a straight ‘A’ student, a leader, talented and kind. Everyone who knew me, loved me. Future success was assured. I went to the best college, studied abroad, and received my masters. I traveled the world, sang in the most distinguished cathedrals in front of dignitaries, governmental officials and even the Queen of Jordan.

The best was mine. I figured my future was rosy, and full of sunshine. Now I know that life is not a straight road leading to the good things that Heaven has for us. There are many twists and turns that we do not expect. Life is not fair, or easy. Domestic violence is no respecter of race, ethnic background, economic class, or religion. It knows no boundaries and affects everyone with the same severity.

To the public eye, my husband Charlie was adorable, funny and the perfect husband. Only I know his secrets. He shows his true self only to me. No one knows what happens behind our closed doors. No one would believe me anyway. He’s that talented at hiding his true identity.

In the beginning he was my Prince Charming, the one for whom I had prayed for, for many years. At the time I was amazed at how I saw God working in both of our lives to place us together. I know it sounds cliché, but he completed me. He showed me how special I was in God’s eyes, as well as his own.

Never questioning that God brought us together, we married after a year of dating. We were overwhelmingly naive, of course. We believed that we were strong enough, on our own, to break the generational curse that tainted both our lives. He had grown up with a drug addicted father, physically abusive step father and had himself been sexually abused as a teenager. He knew mine. I had grown up with a narcissistic father who abandoned his family, leaving me to play his parental role.

Yes, Charlie knew that I dealt with rejection issues and low self-esteem. He helped me face these problems head on. Together we became stronger. Together we were sure that we had enough love to kiss all of our past and future boo-boos away.

We married and immediately settled into life together. We bought a house and acquired two cute puppies. Suddenly we began playing family. Slowly the red flags started showing themselves. Charlie’s job required him to wake up early in the morning and he never went to sleep early enough to make up for his loss of sleep. Easily he began to fall into the rituals of either being high on energy, or extremely low, being grumpy and snapping his frustrations at me. I passed it off as him just being tired and this became our new reality.

Six years later, being unhappy at work and homesick for home (3,000 miles away) I cried to Charlie that I wanted to move. I wanted to start a family and raise them around Christian relatives (my relatives). His parents never went to church, or lived the lifestyle that I wanted to teach my children. Reluctantly, he agreed. We sold our house and a car and moved across the country.This started the next phase of abuse- put downs and blaming. For the next few years Charlie complained that everything that ever went wrong, was because I forced him to move. I learned to put up with this, because I felt that it was the price I had to pay for getting the desires of my heart.

eph 4 29Then the children came, and life turned upside down. I became consumed with motherhood. Charlie became detached and angry. I asked him to be involved, yet invariably he was too tired. Jealousy cropped up, he hated that I spent so much time and energy on the children. He often complained about what I did all day. I just laughed off the put down, shaking my head at his classlessness.

Happy, I was, but still becoming discouraged and alone. Charlie began threatening to leave us, because he wasn’t happy. He wanted to move back home to his family, because they at least cared about him and had time to spend with him doing what he wanted to do. So, I tried harder to make him happy. Nothing seemed to work and soon he was telling me that I didn’t love him. I assured him that I did. “Prove it!” He said. This started the next phase of abuse- sexual.

Charlie pushed the limits of everything that I didn’t want to do. He didn’t care if he hurt me, he said that it was the only way that he knew that I loved him; to sacrifice of myself. I cried each time. Then he tenderly held me, assuring me that he loved me and would never leave me.Then came the most recent phase of abuse- out lashing.

I let him down. I talked to a guy, an ex-boyfriend in fact, and didn’t tell Charlie, for fear that he would explode. He found out and then knew that I had kept it from him. Suddenly I was a liar and a cheater, just because I talked to some guy 3,000 miles away. Charlie fell into a season of anger, ignoring me and treating me like filth.

Since then I’ve slowly faced the fact that changing a lifetime of habits is one of the most difficult journeys one can ever embark on. I started attending an abuse, 12 Step support group, where I have learned that it’s not my job to change Charlie, but to change me. I had to stop this unhealthy dance by reconnecting myself to the Ultimate Healer, the God of Heaven.

I am not sad as I look back. In my almost half a century of life, the abusive years I suffered were short in comparison. I’ve been through the fire and have come out stronger because of it. I can see how I got there, what I did wrong and have begun to fix my broken behaviors. I have written three books about abuse and look forward to publishing them someday. It is nice to know that I don’t need to be a victim anymore; instead God has a plan for my life, a hope and a future.

If he can use me, I know that he can use you. You are not alone. God loves you.

Meghan

 

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25 thoughts on “My Story

  1. You are an amazing writer…I was mesmerized and terrified all at the same time while reading this part of your story. I hope to learn more about you in future posts. I’m so sorry you are suffering in an abusive marriage. Do you have anyone close to you that can support you through this? It is amazing how you can pour your genuine and broken heart out with such eloquence. Prayers and hugs. Warmly, Hopeful Sorrow

    • I was going over some past messages this afternoon. Yours warmed my heart and I wanted to respond immediately. I have been going through some tough stuff this past week and am exhausted. I am second guessing myself and feel like a nobody. Then you cheered me with your sweet words. Thank you for calling my writing amazing. I needed to hear that today. In regards to your question about if I have anyone to support me, I do. I go to a weekly abuse support group. They are a group of christian women who have gone through it and have dedicated their lives to helping others survive. They are my life line. I am the only one that has chosen to stay with my abuser. The rest walk a different road. They are scared and lonely and tired of their fight. I am going crazy in the chaos of little kids, work and the mood swings of my husband. God is good and everyday I get up and say, “It’s up to you today to help me get through.” Be blessed my friend. I hope that someday I can repay your kind words and touch your heart as you have touched mine today. Meghan

  2. Meghan, your life story had me both amazed and yet riveted at the same time. I couldn’t stop reading this. You write so eloquently and beautifully, even about the most painful of things. You have had, and still have, so much to bear and yet you give of yourself so willingly and generously. You are truly are a very special and beautiful, God-blessed woman and i look forward to getting to know you better through following your blog. Hugs, Ellie xxx

    • I’m blessed to know you too. You still haven’t answered my question yet. I can’t wait to find out the answer. Do you have your daughter back? Are you talking to your son. I got stuck worrying about what happened next in your personal story… Please, can you tell me? Meghan

  3. Pingback: Liebster Award | A Victims Journal

  4. I read some of you story here but I could not finish it all, only because it’s triggering. I’m so sorry that you’re in this place. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. It’s his fault not yours. Your husband sounds exactly like my “Christian” father. I grew up with that kind of abuse. I’m completely estranged from my whole family. I walked out of the abuse but it’s one of the most painful things I’ve ever done. The whole family blames me. I’ll try to read more of your story another day. You’re and incredible writer.

    • Thank you so much. You are strong for getting to the place you are at. I question myself every day for staying as long as I have. Am I crazy for staying or courageous. I don’t know a bit of both I am afraid. I see the good that is buried deep and down want to let go, either that or I am in denial. Either way it is nice to know that I am not alone. I look up to you and the courage you have shown. Meghan

      • Thank you, most of the time I feel weak. If you ever need to talk, feel free to email me. tellsafe at hotmail dot com

        One thing I learned over the years is they will not change and we can’t change them. They will give us a false sense of hope for a time to lure us back in, and then the cycle of abuse repeats.
        I hope that you aren’t staying out of guilt. I know that I kept going back out of guilt.
        I know your struggle. You’re not alone. Sending you support. xo

  5. Dear Meghan, I have just re-read your incredibly touching life story and it moved me emotionally, just as it did the first time I read it. I wasn’t sure if I replied to your question after all! Sadly, the answer was no, i didn’t get my daughter back and she will have only very little phone contact now and I don’t have any contact with my son and his family. He even got married in my home town and I wasn’t even invited or aware that it was happening! Still, I have made a decent quality of life for myself despite all the heartache xxx

  6. “This was my life, but Charlie held the remote control. We jumped when he told us to, hoping it was high enough for him. If we, perchance, didn’t do it quick enough, or to his liking, there always was repercussions. No one wanted Daddy mad. So here we were, chewing our thoughts quietly to ourselves, waiting for permission to resume our lives.”

    This is exactly how it was for me and my kids until I had the courage to do something about it.

    • Even though I haven’t decided to leave I have decided to stand up for myself more. I’ve grown a lot in the last few years. I have been going to a support group for abused individuals and they have helped me immensely. Talking on here also helps so much. Congrads to you for taking the steps to do something about your situation. Meghan

  7. I must agree with the other commenters- your story is terrible but mesmerizing. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a story of abuse that really and truly turned around, but if you stay and yours becomes that story then I will be very glad for you.

  8. Meghan your the blessing I count twice, yes Meghan that’s you. I cannot count the times you gave me courage to make another week with my abuser. I have a true friend in you. The good news ,as you know, I do not live with him anymore. The pain and nightmares will always be here with me. Some times it still to much to handle. The verbal and emotional abuse, I still feel worthless. He was my Bully, he badgered me, mocked me ,threaten me, blame me for everything and made me pay for it. He throw our dog against the wall. He cut out his face from family photos. I was scared, and no place to go, he controlled the money. He is a very Angry man. I also go to a support group. There they understand me, encourage me, they listen to me and they build me up to go on. Misty { yes I’m the crier} Thank you

    • Wow, you are incredible. You’ve gone through so much. Stay strong. I didn’t know that I have blessed you. Thank you for speaking up and letting me know. I needed to hear that today. Fear makes us do crazy things. You have given me the encouragement to keep writing. Thank you for being my angel today. Meghan

  9. Meghan, God loves you, and I love you. God called us by name. God knows the plans he has for us. Your home is in heaven not here on earth. Your in my prayers, I ask God to give you what you need from day to day and to throw in a blessing or two. Misty

  10. After reading one of your posts the other day, and now this, I don’t know how any “friend” could see your writings as wrong. You are strong and courageous and there are many people who will draw strength from what you write. Stand tall!!

  11. Praise God for your testimony. God’s promises are surely unfolding for you. Nothing is wasted in His kingdom. I, too, know the agony of living with emotional and sexual abuse. We are overcomers in Christ. Keep fighting the good fight.

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