Traumatic Events- Letting Go

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Writing about the traumatic times in my life a few days ago brought up stressful memories. I thought that I could go on and write a few more, but I feel that it is too unhealthy for me to dwell on the negative things that happened in my past. Yet, if I don’t give voice to those things that gave me fear, they still hold some small power over me. I don’t want to ignore moments in time which made me who I am today. Instead of writing about the things in detail which gave me fear, I will list them. That way I feel like I have spoken and then moved on.

When I was little I fell off the pier at Bar Harbor, Maine. I was between the dock and a large boat that was crashing into the dock with each new wave. I couldn’t swim. My mother jumped in, clothes and all to save me. My father stood there doing nothing. When I asked about this, he laughed and said that he was waiting for the bubbles to appear so that he knew where to jump and find me.

My father had an episode of road rage while on a long trip to my Grandma’s house. I was so scared. I thought we were going to die. He was driving so fast and yelling, swerving all over the road.

When a teenager, I ran into my father with my car. Parents separated, he had come by to yell at my mom. I yelled at him and he grabbed me and chased me around the house. He ripped my shirt. I jumped into my car and backed up quickly to get away from him. He got in back of me and I hit him. That night I went out with friends and my dad came and stole my car. (He had had a key made of it one time a long time back when he took it to get fixed and I never knew he had it.) I had to apologize to him to get my car back.

My dad threatened to shoot my mom, and burn her house down.

Mom don’t read this one…One time I went camping in the north woods with two girl friends. We parked our car at the end of a dirt road and asked a man who’s house was right there, if we could park there. He said yes and that there was a nice lake down the trail a mile or so. We walked a half a mile in and then veered off the trail. When it was dark we heard people walking and three-wheelers riding out on the trail. We were nervous and couldn’t sleep that night. As soon as it was light, we got out of there. On the way home we turned on the news and heard the report that two girls had been murdered, while hiking the day before. They had been in our vicinity.

My husband hit a cat once and then instead of jumping out of the car to see if it was ok, he backed up to run it over again, and then forward again, to make sure it was dead and wasn’t in pain. This was a humane thing to do in his thinking. I still cringe thinking about it.

I was stuck in a snowstorm on a closed mountain pass. It was cold and there wasn’t a lot of gas in my car. Luckily the cops knocked on my window and told me that I could go sleep on the floor of a church nearby. The next day the roads were still impassible, so my husband decided that the smaller, windy-er mountain pass road an hour south of us would be the better route. Chains on, we ventured out and made it over. They shut down the road we were on right after we passed. I was a wreck the whole way.

I drove in a hurricane once. Don’t ever want to do that again.

Spent three days in the children’s hospital- two separate times for terrible emergencies with my son. One was on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Nothing worse than worrying about your kids.

My brother threatened to hurt my son. So now I am no longer able to go to my childhood home, because he lives there. My son still has fear surrounding that situation.

And of course I’ve endured a lot of trauma due to my season of marital abuse. Still working through those feelings.

That is all I can thing of right now. Thanks for looking in my window today and listening.

Meghan

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Dysfunction in the Hundred Acre Wood

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Now that I am done with my taxes (long sigh of relief) I am going to spend some quality time with my kids. It is still early in the morning and because everyone is on winter break, I am letting my kids watch a little TV while eating their breakfast. I can hear their munch, munch on cereal while I am typing this post.

From where I sit, I can hear Winnie the Pooh laughing and Tigger bouncing across the screen. Oh, it brings back wonderful childhood memories when I used to watch those loveable creatures. Back then, I counted them as my friends. Their magical forest, The Hundred Acre Wood, followed me whenever I went into my own woods that surrounded my home. I wanted to squeeze Pooh, play with Tigger, tell Rabbit to “chill out”, and just love Eeyore’s sadness away.

They seemed a happy lot, on the most part, and I wanted to be part of their fun. All grown up now, I’ve learned that things are not always what they seem. Happy little families, like mine, fall apart. I don’t believe that anyone “is normal” and “has it all together”. There is conflict, mental dysfunctions and secrets in the most “perfect” of families. As I look back, even the Hundred Acre Wood had its problems.

The Canadian Medical Association did a study on Winnie the Pooh and his pals and came up with some interesting findings. They found that the world of Pooh hid undiagnosed neurodevelopmental and psychosocial problems. On the surface it may seem innocent and even fun, but Christopher Robin and his friends are seriously troubled.Many of the characters’ problems are categorized in the DSM IV, showing a darker side to our favorite childhood friends.

Pooh, for example is diagnosed with:

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Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

Significant impulsivity, aggravated by an obsessive fixation on honey

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

A very little brain (due possibly to being dragged downstairs as a young one, bumping his head) Can this be abuse?

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Then there is Piglet who has:

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Low self-esteem

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Eeyore obviously has:

Chronic Dysthymia Depression

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Owl is:

Dyslexic

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Roo suffers from:

Impulsivity

Hyperactivity

Growing up in a single parent home

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Tigger acts out with:

Risk taking behaviors

Impulsively sampling unknown substances

Being socially intrusive

Hyperactivity

Being a bad role model

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Kanga is:

Over protective

Single mother

Possessive

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Christopher Robin has an:

Absence of parental role

Talks to animals

Difficulty with academics

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Rabbit is of course:

Bossy

Controlling

Looking at all those shortcomings I feel that my family isn’t quite so bad. We are all dysfunctional beings. I am so lucky to have healthy, happy children. Researching these findings, I have to chuckle to myself. I wonder what disorders others would diagnose our happy family with?

Till I get slapped with that label, I will be naïvely content. I still love my Pooh friends. They teach kindness, the importance of friendship and to never give up when facing hardships. I am actually glad that there is dysfunction in the Hundred Acre Wood, because then the characters become more real to me. They face problems too. They are loveable despite living with emotional issues. They, mostly, see life with a positive outlook. I could learn a bit of something from them.

I am going to go hug my kids. Maybe we’ll take a walk and play Pooh Sticks later.

50 Shades of Abuse!

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This movie and of course the books are purely about abuse. Christian Grey is an abuser! And our movie industry is trying to glamourize this despicable behavior as being love. Please do not go see it. By beholding we become changed. If you want some proof, actual quotes from the book showing that it is abusive go to this link. You will be amazed:

http://the6thsiren.tumblr.com/post/109594075930/50-shades-of-attempting-to-pass-abuse-off-as

Instead, if you can find it, go see a movie called “Old Fashioned”. Focus on the Family praises this film, saying that this movie is about love and respect. A great movie! Wish it was promoted like the other movie. Here is the trailer for the film. Take your family to see it. Start talking about what true love looks like.

Spread the word! And Happy Valentines Day

Living With Eeyore- TV trash talk

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Three feet of snow and bracing ourselves for another 12-18 inches this weekend. Crazy winter! All in a two week time period.

Charlie is pouting because no one will help him shovel. Well it is his own fault that he has been nothing but a miserable individual. No one wants to be around that.

I am feeling like I don’t want to watch TV with him anymore too, and this has been one of the fun things we’ve enjoyed in the past. (Able to let go of our fights and stresses, forget it all and cuddle on the couch, getting lost into other people’s worlds.) Well he is complaining about everything…

Blonde girl on program (she looks and acts intelligent, not the funny bimbo type) – she make a wrong decision in the program and Charlie says, “Blondes are so dumb.” Hello, I am blonde. How am I supposed to take that? If I say anything, he starts to fight. So why bother. I ignore him.

Girl on Bachelor has a panic attack. She is on the ground and they’ve called the EMTs. Charlie says, “Stupid girl. She is a freak.” Hello, I’ve had three panic attacks in front of him in the 18 years that we’ve been married. What does that say about me?

Mother killed on train track. Oh my heart goes out to those three kids at home. Charlie says, “She got what she deserved. Dumb woman, should have gotten out of the car.”

I want to scream! Women are not dumb! We are not stupid, even when we make mistakes. We are allowed to be who we are, not have to tip toe around trying not to offend someone with our presence. Why is he allowed to voice his hurtful opinions? And why do I have to sit there and take them? I don’t want to stop watching TV with him, because it is one of the only FUN things that we have left.

Maybe I am stupid because of that. (I know that I am not. Just had to say it though.)

Thanks for listening!

Meghan

Finding Kisses From Heaven- February 2

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Another snow day. I am going back to bed. I am blessed.

I watched the Super Bowl last night. Great game. It is too bad I had to watch it by myself though. I was feeling sick and didn’t have the strength to go to my in-laws to watch the game, so they all went without me.

At least I had peace and quiet. And I got to watch the Puppy Bowl without complaints.

The greatest thing about the whole game was not that the Patriots won, or that it was a close game, or that Katie gave a colorful performance- but that NO MORE gave us an excellent domestic violence commercial. It made me cry.

That commercial was donated to NO MORE, all four million dollars of it. Think about that. The NFL is committed to spreading the word. This epidemic is bigger than we all know. Congrads to the NFL for spreading the word.

I am happy. I am going back to bed, stayed up too late watching tv. Love snow days!

Living With Eeyore- No Dumping Here

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My Father has collected these signs over the years, and they now hang in my childhood home’s garage. The one on the left side of the wall says, “Town Landfill Entrance On The Right.” The one on the right side of the garage says, “Town Landfill Entrance On The Left”. Then in the middle of the garage there hangs a sign that says “No Dumping Here.”

I chuckle each time I see them. Don’t ask me how he got them. But if you looked at the garage you’d laugh just because it looks kind of like a dump all over despite what the sign says. Too much junk, no room for any cars. It is sad.

I got up this morning, a bit fuzzy headed. Seems I caught a head cold from a bunch of kids coughing on me and wiping snot on me last week. Why does it always seem like Sunday, my day off, when I get sick. Convenient, but I want a good day off, not be sick.

I sat on the couch, resting. I could hear my husband’s truck rumbling in the driveway. I know he was getting up early today to go buy another wood boiler. Our other one got cracked when we had the “almost fire melt down”, a week ago. It has been so cold and we don’t like using oil to heat our house. So he is off to find another one. Hopefully a safer one this time.

He comes stomping into the house and dumps a load of verbal junk on me. “I am having the worst day!” He declares and continues to tell me everything that is going wrong for him. Then he says, “Where is the money?” I tell him and he says, “I gotta go.” He walks away leaving me holding on to the pile of junk that weighs me down now.

Is there a sign on me that says, “Dump Here”?

The door is shut. He is gone. But his presence is still heavy in the house. How do I get rid of the gloom that just got given to me. Let alone, there was no goodbye, how are you this morning, or I love you, or even a kiss goodbye. Just a slam of a door.

I am going to go steam myself and try to welcome positive thoughts to fill my day.

Then maybe I will write “No Dumping Here” on my forehead to make sure that everyone knows.

Thanks for listening.

Meghan