Writing about the traumatic times in my life a few days ago brought up stressful memories. I thought that I could go on and write a few more, but I feel that it is too unhealthy for me to dwell on the negative things that happened in my past. Yet, if I don’t give voice to those things that gave me fear, they still hold some small power over me. I don’t want to ignore moments in time which made me who I am today. Instead of writing about the things in detail which gave me fear, I will list them. That way I feel like I have spoken and then moved on.
When I was little I fell off the pier at Bar Harbor, Maine. I was between the dock and a large boat that was crashing into the dock with each new wave. I couldn’t swim. My mother jumped in, clothes and all to save me. My father stood there doing nothing. When I asked about this, he laughed and said that he was waiting for the bubbles to appear so that he knew where to jump and find me.
My father had an episode of road rage while on a long trip to my Grandma’s house. I was so scared. I thought we were going to die. He was driving so fast and yelling, swerving all over the road.
When a teenager, I ran into my father with my car. Parents separated, he had come by to yell at my mom. I yelled at him and he grabbed me and chased me around the house. He ripped my shirt. I jumped into my car and backed up quickly to get away from him. He got in back of me and I hit him. That night I went out with friends and my dad came and stole my car. (He had had a key made of it one time a long time back when he took it to get fixed and I never knew he had it.) I had to apologize to him to get my car back.
My dad threatened to shoot my mom, and burn her house down.
Mom don’t read this one…One time I went camping in the north woods with two girl friends. We parked our car at the end of a dirt road and asked a man who’s house was right there, if we could park there. He said yes and that there was a nice lake down the trail a mile or so. We walked a half a mile in and then veered off the trail. When it was dark we heard people walking and three-wheelers riding out on the trail. We were nervous and couldn’t sleep that night. As soon as it was light, we got out of there. On the way home we turned on the news and heard the report that two girls had been murdered, while hiking the day before. They had been in our vicinity.
My husband hit a cat once and then instead of jumping out of the car to see if it was ok, he backed up to run it over again, and then forward again, to make sure it was dead and wasn’t in pain. This was a humane thing to do in his thinking. I still cringe thinking about it.
I was stuck in a snowstorm on a closed mountain pass. It was cold and there wasn’t a lot of gas in my car. Luckily the cops knocked on my window and told me that I could go sleep on the floor of a church nearby. The next day the roads were still impassible, so my husband decided that the smaller, windy-er mountain pass road an hour south of us would be the better route. Chains on, we ventured out and made it over. They shut down the road we were on right after we passed. I was a wreck the whole way.
I drove in a hurricane once. Don’t ever want to do that again.
Spent three days in the children’s hospital- two separate times for terrible emergencies with my son. One was on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Nothing worse than worrying about your kids.
My brother threatened to hurt my son. So now I am no longer able to go to my childhood home, because he lives there. My son still has fear surrounding that situation.
And of course I’ve endured a lot of trauma due to my season of marital abuse. Still working through those feelings.
That is all I can thing of right now. Thanks for looking in my window today and listening.